My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
Randomize
