I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
So squirting runs in the family.
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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