it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
I understand Curling. That high.
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
You ruined the universe
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
My dad is sitting where you rode me
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