I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
I'd give my left nut to see you
don't do that. I like the set
This Casey James character from American Idol is really gonna mess up my sex life.
Or maybe the fact that you know who Casey James is will be what messes up your sex life.
I don't remember his name but he sat in the bathroom and gave us both advice...
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
Yeah. I asked if there was a finger in my ass at some point or if I had a weird dream. So far he hasn't responded
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
