I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
I will be home in 10 min. Dont be beating off on the couch
enter at your own risk
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
He really only has clothes, like 4 boogie boards, and a bong here.
Never go drinking with anime club. End of story.
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
Randomize
