hipster in red sally jessy raphael glasses inside. kick her.
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
Randomize
