My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
Not rlly sure. Might just drink and sleep. Gotta wake up for my last rabies shot lol
I dont have any paper so I'm writing class notes on my first response direction pregnancy paper. Judging eyes are all around.
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
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