tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
And i was thinking, 'i'm happy to be underneath you, but i wish you weren't doing THAT.'
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
We decided to have a girls night of four lokos, three of us cried and the other puked
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
This heat and humidity do not mix with these braless DDs and a tank top at a BBQ.
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
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