Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
You've changed since you got that strap on
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
Randomize
