the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
I can text with my tongue
no. you can't hotbox the world.
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
He finger blasted me like an angel dude
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
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