Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
I am making it a rule that only people I am comfortable around enough to not have to put a bra on are allowed for Sunday funday. I think that's a good rule for someone who started drinking alone at noon while everyone else here sipped their coffee.
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
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