A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
Randomize