I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
YOU UNCULTURED BADGER
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
Randomize
