I want to make a zoo with you.
Do you remember last night at all? Be honest
I need to look at the pictures on my camera to fill in the gaps.
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
HAPPY NEWYEARSM FAGTRON! GETTING HEAD IN TAXI I WIN
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Randomize
