I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
do herpes really smell.
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
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