Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
white trash bash was a total success...cops shut it down twice and her hair stayed in rollers all night..she never broke character
I don't think you have the libido for two women at the same time
I think you underestimate the amount of time spent masturbating
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
I think you are the only one slutty enough and evil enough for the job. Just go in and blue ball him. He broke my nose in Middle school. He deserves this.
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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