I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
my sisters under your porch take her home
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
wait he has a twin??? which one did you fuck
yes
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Couch. On fire.
Randomize
