I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
Rub youre cunt and tell me you love me.
Your incorrect use of you're doesn't arouse me in the slightest.
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
Omg. I felt like a crazed animal last night. My lesbian instincts burned a hole in my panties.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
Randomize