Def gonna have stinky sex sometime soon. GOT TO! she has eligible friends for you, as well.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Randomize
