Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
He had a joint rolled for us when he picked me up. It's how ASU does romance
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
I'm determining which apartments I'm mostly to move into based on how suitable the kitchens are for sex .
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
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