Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
Randomize
