Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
Four minutes until I can fart!
I got it! After our exam we take shots for every question we skipped!!!
I don't wanna die...
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
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