On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
I feel like ass. I'm missing 12 hours of my life and all I have to show for it is an empty wendys bag. Those Shrooms were too much... When do we do it again?
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
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