It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
I don't know how it started but we all ended up shirtless andI was covered in crawfish and wearing a sombrero.
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
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