True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
It started with Hannah Montana and ended with alcoholism.
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
The heaters out again. Makin a fire in thebroke toilet for warmth.
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
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