I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
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