Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
so we'll all just be running around naked, basically. and high.
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
Randomize
