When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
In 2009 his now husband dressed in a sailor onesie and heels for pride so he needs to REMEMBER how to party
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
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