Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
Lesbian sex in an alleyway drunk.
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
he doesn't sweat normal. maybe that's what THC smells like coming through the sweat glands...
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
I really wanna treat my body good. Because i plan on doing drugs
Randomize
