I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
It was a good dick. I give credit where credit is due. A good dick deserves praise.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
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