Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
false alarm, still single
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
Randomize
