were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
I just saw a guy wearing a tuxedo shirt under his overalls. That is true iowa class right there
i knew he was a douchebag when his facebook activities were "ladeis," and "gettin crunk wit ladeis"
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
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