My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
Just look for the house with the beer knights.
The first thing they saw when they walked in was all four of our std test's hangin on the fridge....i'd be worried if they didn't think we were sluts
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
Just put a dog collar on someone's child.....was a great hit with everyone but his mom.......I think she hates me. I'm okay.with that
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
He did leave his bud tall boy and 2 choco tacos, so not a total loss.
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
Randomize
