so I ended up banging her last night
dude I remember her. You sure it was a her?
i don't even remember
Well i just learned hong kong is a country...thank you olympics
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Randomize