How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
So she puts out... but it wasn't worth it
Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
super hot butfun
Oops. What a difference a comma and a space make.
i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
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