The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
What I love about college? The kid tripping balls has a kayak made readily available to him on any given Wednesday, Saturday, or Sunday.
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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