i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
seriously, who doesn't want to get shitfaced and have sex to the backstreet boys?
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
