omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
I'm seriously considering refraining from drinking on school nights.
I like how you say that with 4 school days left of the school year..
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
Randomize
