$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
Randomize
