All I've ever wanted to do in life is right
Maybe you should learn how to spell write first
mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
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