how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
Randomize
