I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
Sex in the backyard? Check.
My breath smells like gin and sadness
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize
