Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
I'm making a quesadilla and including it in the picture because that's the only way I think I can send her dick pics.
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
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