your horoscope this morning...very interesting...good luck today
Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
wrong asian. never thought that would happen.
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
Randomize
