The best part was that when i tried to chase her she ran off in one of those barbie motorized jeeps that little kids use and i chased her on a big wheel, thru lincoln terrace
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
It's isn't revenge sex until you've cum on her porcelain doll collection.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
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