Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
By early evening I was shouting at the deeply Christian girl to suck my dick inbetween snorting lines of gatorade powder.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
I’d say they were worth it. He screamed “your tits are fanfuckingtastic!”while he was cumming
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
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