Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
but i am gonna have to have sex w/ him again to get my earrings back
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
That's all? I'm a pro at gay chicken. I'll touch his dick, I have no problem with that.
Think I can pull off edward 40 hands before class?
You might end up in the wrong class.
I'm a COM major, they're all the wrong class.
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
There are twenty eight units in that building. There has to be at least one heterosexual in it. You can't have fucked your way through all of it.
Randomize
