I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
I told him to show me what he was made of and he came on my face. law students are so technical.
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
when she was 9 she got kicked out of our 4-H camp dance for pole dancing on the spirit stick
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
It's next to that place that has cock fighting.
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