I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
chastity bono is officially a man...and has a really hot girlfriend...life doesn't make sense
Dude, the women on the view have some valid arguments
You know how I know you're gay?
I just put up a picture on my dorm room wall of that ginger you hooked up with to remind myself that everyone makes mistakes
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
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