I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
I mean. If you don't have time I understand, but my dick doesn't.
he literaly had industrial grade plastic underneth his blankets
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
I need to hump something and I know u understand.
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
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