Like my Aunt Merial always says ... big dicks, big dicks.
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
i ditched last period to have sex with him. i had to change into my skank clothes in the church parking lot. little kids were on the swings.
nothing about this is right.
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Randomize
