Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
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