You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
We stole some shitttt from king sooper's. fuck yeaaa
what did you steal
frozen pizza, cat litter, and preperation H. not much different than my usual grocery list.
Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
I gave him a bj as a thank you for helping. I think that's good.
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
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