There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
when does round two start
I don't know, I gave up bartenders for lent
Don't you think facebook is a bit pretentious, suggesting friends and all? No facebook, I would NOT like to be friends with a girl whose fiancee I have slept with.
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
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