I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
i am pregamming alone in my car. scale of 1-10 how alcoholic is that
im pretty sure thats an 11
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
Dude, had to, it's Canada Day, I fucked her for Canada. Seriously, I put my Canadian flag on my bed and fucked her on it.
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
He hasn't responded in 6 hours and the last thing he sent me was a picture of 7 grams of coke. I'm getting kinda worried
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
Randomize
