Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
Yeaaah, so cabbie laughed at me, and said, "rough nite? Let me find you some music" . apparently OPP is the appropriate ride of shame soundtrack.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
5am update: in a toga seeing triple made out with both sexes
Im just using you for your dick and your superb survival skills if needed.
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
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