today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Randomize
