I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
If it goes near your penis, it should not go near the Hawks.
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
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