i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
He shit in the bushes next to the pool at the Venetian, after throwing up in the hallway. You really can do anything in Vegas.
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
Nah, this is the University of Tennessee. She'll get the clap, and get busted for having pot in her dorm by spring break. This time next year she'll be part-timing at a community college as a nursing major. So predictable it hurts.
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
I have no idea. But I feel like I could climb a mountain and then have sex on it.
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
Randomize
