Her cum face looks like the large marge scene in pee-wees big adventure
I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
Randomize
