I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
Hot freshmen.....hot freshmen chicks everywhere
You say this every welcome week, bro.
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
Randomize
