But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
Randomize
