Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
This dude was wearing a "Plan B- One Step" backpack. I wonder how many more I have to buy until I get mine??
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
Randomize
