He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
Randomize