OMG. Drunk.
I'm so glad you fill me in on these things.
Sorry. Must've been trying to twitter.
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
so I woke up without pants, but my cardigan was still on and fully buttoned. curious.
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
But idk if I cried about life then banged him or banged him and then cried. Chicken or the egg?
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Upstairs definitely just had sex while I wrote you love poetry. That was a fun experience 🤷🏻♀️
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