just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
they had a keg party to fund her abortion.
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
Randomize
