Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
Just started taking liver support pills. Welcome to Senior year.
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
Na Im fine, just need to un-grow this vagina I've developed
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
all im saying is 27 is too old to still be drinking 40s, you make more money than me, buy some decent shit
screw you you golddigging beer snob
Randomize
